The Ex-Factor

Here's my most recent lesson learned...although to explain it I have to go back a ways...

In February, while I was on my trip (I believe I was in DC) I got a call from a friend (lets call him Tom). We had re-connected at a few events and it seemed like there might be some flirting happening. He called to affirm the suspicion and ask if I'd be interested on going on a date when I returned home.

It took me another month or so to get home from the East Coast but we texted and called intermittently through out that time, and within a few weeks of me bein back we set up a dinner date.
I walked into his house a little anxious, but mostly excited...I hadn't had any pursue me quite the way he did. We grabbed take-out and brought it to his house. As I took my first bite he said, "well there's kinda somethin I wanna talk to you about."

I had no idea what that might be but I remember thinking 'its a little too soon for an engagement,' lol.
but nope, I couldn't have been further off. He went on to explain that in the month that I was driving back, he had started to be interested in another girl. He was respectful about it; aware that he asked me out first and wanted to keep his word so he hadn't asked her out. He kept explaining where he was at but I wasn't really paying attention, all I could think was, "am I really being dumped on a first date? Is that even possible?!?"

I warned him that I was feeling like I might need to cry it out, which I proceeded to do, haha. He was totally great about it. I explained that I wasn't mad at him (life happens). I was simply exhausted. tired of getting my hopes up...tired of hoping.
but I wished him the best (and meant it) and left.

WELL here's what has turned out to be the hilarious part of the whole thing. The girl he was getting to know was I girl I knew. She however was only more of an acquaintance, I only saw her here and there or in passing. But within days of our little talk I found out she was on my brothers young life team and she was spending a lot of time with he and my sister-in-law. Which is fine but every time I went to an event to try and support my brother she was there. And then, as fate would have it, a couple weeks after that Tom ended up moving in with all my best guy friends, a house I'm at almost more than my own. So now not only do I see Tom regularly, but his girlfriend is over all the time with him. I seriously NEVER saw these two much before all this went down, and then after things went a little sideways now it seems like I can't escape em!

This seems to include church.
I went 2 weekends ago and wasn't surprised that I ended up sitting right next to them.
At first I was mad, "really God? I can't even have church to myself?"
but then as I stood and worshiped next to these two people, who I wasn't determined to hate, but who I just didn't really want anything to do with, I realized how different Gods plans are than mine. It wasn't even that cliche line that "gods plans are bigger or better" although I'm sure that's true. This moment simply illustrated to me how different Gods plans are. 

I continue to learn why I'm me and why Gods God. He is not concerned with drama or titles or keeping score, who dated who, who's been going to church longer. He doesn't care who I'm standing next to when I worship, he cares that I worship. Silly me to think that would matter, when I think about it now I just feel dumb! But it's been a great reminder.
"come on kate-what are the important things? the kingdom things? the heart things?"
seek those first.

And yet, He is Good...

After writing my last post, I was right, I got annoyed with myself.
Yes, I'm in a funk. No, it's not something I can talk myself out of...BUT I do have moments
where I can choose my attitude, where yes, I can be sad but where I can still remember and hold close to my heart ALL the ways God is good to me.
This picture keeps popping into my head as I sometimes choose to have a poopy attitude about life:
a couple weeks ago at church I sit in the front row with all my friends and as we get into a few worship songs I'm instantly annoyed by the person singing at the top of his lungs directly behind me. I turn around to get a glimpse of this off-key culprit and my eyes fall on a man, not much taller than me, his eyes closed, no arms, shouting praise with every ounce of his being.
Are you kidding me!?!?
I guarantee you this man is not ecstatic about his missing arms, I bet he's pissed...but he's praising Him nonetheless.
Am I allowed to be mad that I'm alone? That I have past hurts? That my body is broken? That my heart is tugged at from all corners of the world? YES...in fact it seems to be the appropriate response. In fact I'd be nervous for people who suffer great loss or hurt and dont feel angry or pissed...that say "It's ok, Gods gonna use this!" or "I know its in His plan!" Well yes, it probably is, but you're missing you're fucking arms! you're allowed to be furious!!!
Here's to the man at church that reminded me that I can do both simultaneously.
I can be in deep pain and sorrow and yet, maybe even because of those moments, be so aware of his beauty and grace.
I lift my arms for the man who can't...
God you are good.

Just Cant Fake It...

I haven’t been wanting to blog because I don’t have anything uplifting to write about and I get annoyed with myself at the thought of posting yet another blog about being lonely and lost in the world. But then I think back to a few weekends ago.

I was camping with students for our fall leadership retreat (where I learned that even though it’s a deep desire of mine, I am not a camping person). Anyways, us girls were sitting in an open field chatting when a mom and 3 kids walk by us. Just then she says, “Ok, lets see who’s the fastest! GO!” 2 of the children take off like rockets but the 3^rd  (who’s prob 4 years old) stays behind and says with the sweetest little raspy voice, “well I know I’m the tired-est!”

It made me laugh but then I thought….man, how honest! This kid doesn’t want to be included if it means being disingenuous, he doesn’t want to run when his body is telling him to walk, he doesn’t want to fake it when everything in him says ‘be real!'

He has been my picture and standard for vulnerability.

Around me I hear, “life’s great!” “I love my boyfriend!” “I’ve never felt a clearer call!”

If there’s a race goin on, everyone around me seems to be running...

But me: “well…I know I’m the tired-est!”

I can’t fake it. Life kinda sucks. When I get home from work I usually pour myself a bowl of cereal (gourmet and nutritious)  sit on my bed (because my apartment is not yet furnished) and fight back tears. Or I gather every ounce of strength I have to pursue community and friendship only to sit and watch hand holding and listen to talks of weddings and romantic dates! It kills me up because I absolutely love love and I want to be someone who advocates for it and who is about it but my current state makes me want to shoot happy couples in the face with a BB gun!

And as annoyed as I am with myself, and as much as I wish I could run…my body screams at me: “WALK! Don’t fake it!”

And as hard as that is, I’m encouraged by this idea of vulnerability, of being present where I'm at, of what the pastor I heard tonight calls 'pain stewardship': sharing and letting others into your deepest hurts… 

as I write I look up to see my favorite poster, which says:

“The Gospel According to Tacoma:

Let the good news go out that you don’t need to pretend your heart is not broken.

That you are not alone in your suffering.

You are not alone

You are not alone

You are not alone

Let everyone hear the good news and press into it.”

I will not pretend. Even in my lowest lows, even in my girliest insecurities, even through my most stubborn thoughts and despite Satan's cruelest lies…I am broken. I am hurting. I am weak. And yet…I am not alone.

I am not alone.

I am not alone.

I am not alone.