Change Me

As I was thumbing through the work of a poet, I read the lines, “I will not try to fix you, you can be exactly who you are” my knees went weak and my mouth started salivating. Not only Is the writer a fairly attractive man, but what woman doesn’t want to hear those words? Scratch that, what person doesn’t want that? Is it not our goal to be accepted for exactly who we are? but as I thought more about it, I couldn’t decide if I liked it or not.

It’s true, even Jesus says come as you are…but what he doesn’t say is that the coming will change you. Its inherent of the journey; it will break your heart, it will expand your world, it will shatter your preconceived notions of everything. But I feel like I understand what the writer is trying to say and I so appreciate it but as I reflected on what I want for my life I realized I want to follow a Jesus, have friends, marry a man that will change me. I want the pursuit of those things, the fulfillment of them, the challenge, and the adventure of it all to grow me, to make me better.

I don’t want someone to settle for my bad habits, my poor decisions, my lack of discipline…I want someone to know that yes, kates life can be janky at times and I will still love her…but I would love for part of that care to be that they love me enough to NOT let those weaknesses prevail!

One of my all time favorite quotes is by one of my idols, Flannery O’Connor, she says: “All human nature vigorously resists grace, because grace changes us and that change is painful…” I often switch out the word grace for a multitude of other things…”truth, righteousness, hope…” the outcome is the same…we resist the things that are best for us, the things that transform our hearts.

So as pretty as it sounds to be friends with people and date a guy and serve a lord who won’t try to fix me…part of me screams, but I NEED you to! 

Selma on my mind...

It's been a hot sec, forgive me! The note in my phone for "blog ideas" has grown long and wide and thus an underlying discouragement has formed as I think about tackling the list. However there's a note and recent experience that blows all the others out of the water; a notion that has not only been deeply troubling for me to grasp, but that I believe could be deeply healing for many.

This last weekend I went to the governors prayer breakfast in Olympia Washington. It's something I have to gear up for because its one of those program heavy events that gives ZERO introvert time, and while all the programs and people are so valuable, it's those kind of events that often show my weakest, bitchiest aspects.

That said, I walked into the Red Lion Hotel with low expectations and a bad attitude. Things slowly shifted however as I saw faces of people and students that I deeply adore and began to realize the theme of the weekend was racial reconciliation. (for those that don't know me, or haven't read any of my other blogs...race is absolutely my favorite topic to discuss and is something that tugs hard and heavy at my heart strings).

The guest speaker for the weekend was Andrew Young, ex-mayor of Atlanta, US ambassador to the UN, and one of  Martin Luther King Jr's right hand men. The timing seemed appropriate as it was the 50th anniversary of the march at Selma...a march Mr. Young was himself,a part of. He was young enough to understand the questions and give coherent responses, but he was old enough to answer in whatever form or fashion he wanted; often going off topic, sharing random stories, and teetering on that line of appropriate and inappropriate things to say in a room full of fairly conservative state leaders. (As my boss and I would say, he is "just wicked enough!") He was genuine and real but without being overly emotional. I don't know this man outside of speaking engagements but I felt as if he was being completely himself. I just wanted to hug him and never let go!

ANYWAYS, he shared amazing memories from the civil rights movement, great insight on the human condition and fun stories about Martin Luther King Jr., The thing, however that has stuck with me, almost hauntingly, was nothing that he specifically said. It was simply his presence...the illustration of his participation. It was that after years of being mistreated, beaten, thought of as 'less than' he is standing in a room of majority white people, pouring into us, the very ancestors of those that had done the beating and the mistreating.

I do not wish to ruminate and live in the past...whats been done is done. But just because we're sorry doesn't change the fact that it happened and that it was brutal and wrong. Easy for me to ask for forgiveness or tell the black culture they need to move on...I wasn't the one beaten and wronged...my family wasn't the one that was killed...my friends weren't the ones lynched and raped.  and thus as he spoke about our bright futures and how he can impart wisdom to us for that journey, I wept. How do you forgive those wrongs to the point where you not only move to neutral, but to the opposite end of the spectrum...love and service?

I might not be doing a good job of articulating the depth of this idea..but it fricking BLOWS my mind. I'm having a hard time forgiving my boss over a simple miscommunication.
and yet Andrew Young was told for decades he was not human, that something was wrong with him...emotionally mislead, physically abused, spiritually tested (to the nth degree!!!) and yet he shows up to serve. Forgiveness is a powerful thing...not an easy thing, but a powerful thing.

So while all his awards and honors qualify him to speak at such an event, I believe that it is his heart, up in away, that is the more important model. A heart that wakes new every morning. A heart that doesn't let yesterday determine how much he loves himself, God or others. A heart that continues to march amidst trial and tribulation. March, march, march.

Still Indomitable Was The Reply...

Lately, as previous blogs might reflect, I’ve been in and out of a little funk. Not sure if it’s because I’ve been sick (which can be discouraging), or if it’s because I’ve had plenty of 1^st dates but no seconds (which can feel soul crushing)…or if I’m spending too much time reminiscing about my trip and life seems dull compared to the rugged, wild road! But the funk is real…and relentless.

But as I sit down to write about my latest sorrow I can’t help but be haunted by one of my all-time favorite novles, Jane Eyre! I hear her voice repeat this quote over and over again in my ear:

“Still indomitable was the reply — I care for myself.

The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad — as I am now.

Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be.

If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth — so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am quite insane — quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs.

Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.”

What a bad ass, I wish I could  be her!

It may hold more significance to know the context of the story but even without background knowledge the core stands…”laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour”

It is easy to do the right thing when it’s easy, but how about doing it when its hard…when you don’t want to.

Have I felt like praising God lately…NO!

Do I feel like ‘looking at the bright side?’…NO!

Do I want to karate chop every couple that walks past me?...YES!

But should my circumstances imprison the wildly audacious happenings of my spirit?

what is it's worth? where is my strength if at first sign of struggle and strife I crumble? 

I might feel unsustained, isolated, weak…ugly, exhausted, alone! and maybe you have similar feelings;  terrified, resentful, broke, bloated, hurt, hungry, misunderstood, annoyed, ashamed…big or little, it’s there and its gnawing. and yet that’s when we’re called to do what’s right…to walk towards what is good. not because it makes it easy, because it makes it worth it.

Stand there and plant firm.