Change Me

As I was thumbing through the work of a poet, I read the lines, “I will not try to fix you, you can be exactly who you are” my knees went weak and my mouth started salivating. Not only Is the writer a fairly attractive man, but what woman doesn’t want to hear those words? Scratch that, what person doesn’t want that? Is it not our goal to be accepted for exactly who we are? but as I thought more about it, I couldn’t decide if I liked it or not.

It’s true, even Jesus says come as you are…but what he doesn’t say is that the coming will change you. Its inherent of the journey; it will break your heart, it will expand your world, it will shatter your preconceived notions of everything. But I feel like I understand what the writer is trying to say and I so appreciate it but as I reflected on what I want for my life I realized I want to follow a Jesus, have friends, marry a man that will change me. I want the pursuit of those things, the fulfillment of them, the challenge, and the adventure of it all to grow me, to make me better.

I don’t want someone to settle for my bad habits, my poor decisions, my lack of discipline…I want someone to know that yes, kates life can be janky at times and I will still love her…but I would love for part of that care to be that they love me enough to NOT let those weaknesses prevail!

One of my all time favorite quotes is by one of my idols, Flannery O’Connor, she says: “All human nature vigorously resists grace, because grace changes us and that change is painful…” I often switch out the word grace for a multitude of other things…”truth, righteousness, hope…” the outcome is the same…we resist the things that are best for us, the things that transform our hearts.

So as pretty as it sounds to be friends with people and date a guy and serve a lord who won’t try to fix me…part of me screams, but I NEED you to! 

Selma on my mind...

It's been a hot sec, forgive me! The note in my phone for "blog ideas" has grown long and wide and thus an underlying discouragement has formed as I think about tackling the list. However there's a note and recent experience that blows all the others out of the water; a notion that has not only been deeply troubling for me to grasp, but that I believe could be deeply healing for many.

This last weekend I went to the governors prayer breakfast in Olympia Washington. It's something I have to gear up for because its one of those program heavy events that gives ZERO introvert time, and while all the programs and people are so valuable, it's those kind of events that often show my weakest, bitchiest aspects.

That said, I walked into the Red Lion Hotel with low expectations and a bad attitude. Things slowly shifted however as I saw faces of people and students that I deeply adore and began to realize the theme of the weekend was racial reconciliation. (for those that don't know me, or haven't read any of my other blogs...race is absolutely my favorite topic to discuss and is something that tugs hard and heavy at my heart strings).

The guest speaker for the weekend was Andrew Young, ex-mayor of Atlanta, US ambassador to the UN, and one of  Martin Luther King Jr's right hand men. The timing seemed appropriate as it was the 50th anniversary of the march at Selma...a march Mr. Young was himself,a part of. He was young enough to understand the questions and give coherent responses, but he was old enough to answer in whatever form or fashion he wanted; often going off topic, sharing random stories, and teetering on that line of appropriate and inappropriate things to say in a room full of fairly conservative state leaders. (As my boss and I would say, he is "just wicked enough!") He was genuine and real but without being overly emotional. I don't know this man outside of speaking engagements but I felt as if he was being completely himself. I just wanted to hug him and never let go!

ANYWAYS, he shared amazing memories from the civil rights movement, great insight on the human condition and fun stories about Martin Luther King Jr., The thing, however that has stuck with me, almost hauntingly, was nothing that he specifically said. It was simply his presence...the illustration of his participation. It was that after years of being mistreated, beaten, thought of as 'less than' he is standing in a room of majority white people, pouring into us, the very ancestors of those that had done the beating and the mistreating.

I do not wish to ruminate and live in the past...whats been done is done. But just because we're sorry doesn't change the fact that it happened and that it was brutal and wrong. Easy for me to ask for forgiveness or tell the black culture they need to move on...I wasn't the one beaten and wronged...my family wasn't the one that was killed...my friends weren't the ones lynched and raped.  and thus as he spoke about our bright futures and how he can impart wisdom to us for that journey, I wept. How do you forgive those wrongs to the point where you not only move to neutral, but to the opposite end of the spectrum...love and service?

I might not be doing a good job of articulating the depth of this idea..but it fricking BLOWS my mind. I'm having a hard time forgiving my boss over a simple miscommunication.
and yet Andrew Young was told for decades he was not human, that something was wrong with him...emotionally mislead, physically abused, spiritually tested (to the nth degree!!!) and yet he shows up to serve. Forgiveness is a powerful thing...not an easy thing, but a powerful thing.

So while all his awards and honors qualify him to speak at such an event, I believe that it is his heart, up in away, that is the more important model. A heart that wakes new every morning. A heart that doesn't let yesterday determine how much he loves himself, God or others. A heart that continues to march amidst trial and tribulation. March, march, march.

Still Indomitable Was The Reply...

Lately, as previous blogs might reflect, I’ve been in and out of a little funk. Not sure if it’s because I’ve been sick (which can be discouraging), or if it’s because I’ve had plenty of 1^st dates but no seconds (which can feel soul crushing)…or if I’m spending too much time reminiscing about my trip and life seems dull compared to the rugged, wild road! But the funk is real…and relentless.

But as I sit down to write about my latest sorrow I can’t help but be haunted by one of my all-time favorite novles, Jane Eyre! I hear her voice repeat this quote over and over again in my ear:

“Still indomitable was the reply — I care for myself.

The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad — as I am now.

Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be.

If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth — so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am quite insane — quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs.

Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.”

What a bad ass, I wish I could  be her!

It may hold more significance to know the context of the story but even without background knowledge the core stands…”laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour”

It is easy to do the right thing when it’s easy, but how about doing it when its hard…when you don’t want to.

Have I felt like praising God lately…NO!

Do I feel like ‘looking at the bright side?’…NO!

Do I want to karate chop every couple that walks past me?...YES!

But should my circumstances imprison the wildly audacious happenings of my spirit?

what is it's worth? where is my strength if at first sign of struggle and strife I crumble? 

I might feel unsustained, isolated, weak…ugly, exhausted, alone! and maybe you have similar feelings;  terrified, resentful, broke, bloated, hurt, hungry, misunderstood, annoyed, ashamed…big or little, it’s there and its gnawing. and yet that’s when we’re called to do what’s right…to walk towards what is good. not because it makes it easy, because it makes it worth it.

Stand there and plant firm.

Will the Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up...

Does anyone follow Eminem these days?
For those that don't know he's a notorious rapper. Almost 15 years ago now he came out with his first album, 'The Eminem Show' and became a big name in the rap game, yes for his whitty lyrics and "I don't give a fuck" attitude but most obviously because he is white.
Part of me hates that his skin color is what he's known for because the dude is more talented than that. Do I love all his songs and agree with all his lyrics...no. But if you listen to his stuff you can't argue the intellect and talent that he posses. He didn't change the game simply because he was white...he changed the way rap evolved, what was being sad...and how it was being said.
Back in his day it was all about rap battles; 2 people get up on stage and freestyle raps about "your mommas so fat" this and "your so stupid" that.
But Eminem got on stage and beat everyone to the punch...before any opponent could dis him he would lay all his shit out on the table..."ya i'm white, ya i'm broke, ya i'm trailer trash" as if to say, and what does that say about you if you're up here with me? People were so drawn to his rawness and his vulnerability.
Now you're probably like, what the hell does Eminem have to do with anything in my life right now...I assure you I have not decided to start a rap career.
but I am on tinder, lol! (it's an online dating site...and its hilarious!)
Here's the connection: as I scroll through profiles I see pictures of guys with tigers and stacks of cash, pictures of abs, pictures traveling, flying planes, scuba diving, climbing mountains...and while its all super impressive there's a tiny part of me that wishes they'd all take a note from Eminem. Lead with your weakest foot forward, that's the real stuff. Go ahead, put on there that you often watch 8 hours of consecutive netflix, say you hate kids, have a picture in those ugly sweat pants you wear when you get back from work, or maybe your jobless right now...say that!
cause sooner or later we're gonna actually have to meet and i'm gonna find out real quick that tigers and convertibles and flying trapeze tricks aren't your normal everyday life....so beat me too it! If someone can like you at your worst, they're damn sure gonna like you at your best.
and I guess the more I thought about it I realized that this doesn't just apply to the dating world, it applies to all of us! Lets all take a second and think "WWED" what would Eminem do? (I don't mean that as blasphemy, I believe its probably more important to ask 'what jesus would do'...but you know where i'm goin with it!) be transparent, be raw, be real...that's how you win the battle!

Warmth...

You know you live in the PNW when there are random sun breaks and you stop whatever you're doing, face the sun and close your eyes! I see it everywhere, street corners, porches, friends on walks, jogging breaks...hilarious!

The other afternoon there was a sunbreak, but it was still 29 degrees mind you. so I put on socks, slippers, multiple shirts, a big puffy jacket a hat and a blanket and headed outside. The only place I could find sun was against a small portion of our fence which meant I had to sit on a  2 inch mossy ledge, feet on the picnic table below me, body contorted to make sure the suns rays directly hit my face! I sat there for 15 mins, eyes closed, face warm, until little by the little the sun slipped behind the clouds. I grabbed my belongings and headed inside, laughing at the thought of anyone witnessing me...desperate for the rays.

Suddenly my brain gave me a vivid, weirdly connected illustration (as it often does!) This desperate search for sun, this yearning for warmth...it's like Jesus. But how come I don't search for God like I chase after rays in Seattle? Yes, its frustrating...fleeting, fading, cold, contorted...but warm.

my new goal, search for the Son with as much desperation as I search for His rays.

The Unseen Stuff

Recently I heard that often God doesn't reveal his plan to us, read us the whole story, because if he did we wouldn't agree to follow it...here's why: because gods plan is freaking hard! so he unfolds things days at a time, in a sense tricking us, so that we continue! (I almost admire the system!)

and while there's a ton of hard stuff around the corner, things we can't see, here's the cool thing about us humans not being able to see the whole picture sometimes...sometimes, and it seems to happen more often than we  realize, the stuff we cant see is the cool stuff. The mysterious inner-workings of God. The "holy shit how'd that happen" type stuff.

It's going to sound minute and silly, but I was reminded of this last night at a halloween party! Lately I''ve felt like my life is a mess, like I'm broken and exhausted and not moving towards a goal. I second guess my roles; how can I possibly lead others if I'm not doing a very good job leading myself? But last night as I walked into the party and saw one of the girls in my core group, a bible study that I lead with Juniors in college, she exclaimed, "can you guess who I am? I'm you!" Sure enough she had dressed up in a particularly swaggy outfit. Leggings, timbalands, beanie, vest, lol...and to top it off she was puttin out the vibe (a move I pull out regularly).

Anyways, maybe she was dressed as me because my outfits are ridiculous and easily identified but I couldnt help but feel like "someone wants to be me."  Like I'm doing something right with this group!

So as I sit and criticize myself for not being a good enough leader, here's what I can't see; God using me! Despite my faults and flaws he connects me with people that will appreciate things about me. In my own goofy, spastic way I lead people, rub off on people, grow people. I don't say that to brag, I say it in complete amazement and shock, in complete gratitude and awww...if God can use me to love these girls, I know he's capable of so much more. Why do I doubt what I can't see? It's always that stuff that's the coolest.

Triangle Please...

I'm not really a math person (never have been) numbers don't do anything for me. But a recent conversation with a friend and mentor brought me back to my 10th grade geometry class. Let me explain...

If you've been reading my blog you may have picked up on the slight undertones of depression, isolation, confusion, chaos etc...basically I'm in a place in life where EVERYTHING seems to be an unknown. And while finances, relationships and personal life choices are hard enough to juggle, the hardest aspect of this new phase of life is simply figuring out who the fuck I am. Which you'd think by age 25 that would be hammered down a bit, but I'm finding the journey is just beginning.

I've enjoyed the big, as well as the small, steps. Like figuring out things as simple as my style! What do I like to wear; not whats in style or what that boy I like will like..but what's me? And then there's the tougher questions like: who's this God guy and how do I accept His grace?!?  Some of the stuff sounds silly but it all fits under the umbrella of  "who am I" and its all good stuff to look into!

I've realized the hard part lately is that I feel like I should be good (at least semi-decent) at most things. Us humans like to call it "being well-rounded." It's been a value of mine...an identifier I would want for myself and one I tend to look for in others! One of the phrases I grew up hearing from my dad was that he envisioned me lookin beautiful in a dress but also bein able to lace up and school my future husband on the court! My dad said nothing wrong, in fact the vision of that girl is who I've strived to be, it's an ideal I'm drawn to.

But as I sat and chatted with my mentor the other day she pointed something out to be that blew my mind, something I've never heard but now have the desire to go scream at the top of every mountain. What if we are NOT meant to be well rounded?!? What if we let our strengths stand out strong and bold, just as our weaknesses might? What if we're not supposed to be good at everything?

Now I get that "well rounded" doesn't mean you're a pro in every arena and I'm also not saying if you have known weaknesses don't address or work on them, but I'm also wondering how it'd feel to not have the pressure of feeling like we have to excel in every area (especially ones we're not passionate about or drawn to) and how we'd feel if we didn't carry shame or guilt for being "bad" at something.

I know my dad never meant to put pressure on me by saying that phrase (and I honestly never took it that way). I'm simply looking at it as an illustration of how that ideal can be easily put on people in todays' society (as well as us putting the pressure on ourselves) and how that might make us want to scream...We can't freaking do everything!!!

Anyways, I hardly ever payed attention so it's astounding I can recall anything from geometry, but this I remember. The strongest shape is the triangle..why? because of its base and foundation! I'm not a shape expert but I'm pretty sure triangles are not rounded in any form or fashion. They are strong and they are sturdy but they are edgy and jagged.

What if we let our strengths be our base...the things that make us sturdy, the things that make us unique! What if we stop trying to round ourselves out and be weak shapes that crumble when pressure is put on them?

Find your base, your strength (and by strength I don't mean 'what you're good at' as much as I mean 'what things make you feel strong'? HUGE difference!) Lean into those. Be a triangle. Be a rhombus. Heck, be a janky ass circle with jagged edges jetting out every which way. Just find an edge and put it out there for the world to see. You don't gotta be good at everything. I would argue you shouldn't.