Tribute to Discomfort

"Tribute To Discomfort" those words popped off my facebook page more than any other thing on my newsfeed. It was an article that a friend had posted and under that title a picture of a man swimming in deep dark water...probably with sharks or something. I'll admit, I didn't actually read the article but I felt like I understood the direction it was going...the same thing counselors tell their patients, "step out of your comfort zone." The same thing media tells us..."try something new!" The same thing Asher Roth says in his song, "do somethin  crazy!" The same thing I've heard a lot in bible studies and listening to sermons, this idea of not getting complacent, of going into places and spaces that will be uncomfortable ('cause apparently thats when God shows up!)

And I'm not mad about this message...I think it's a pretty frickin good one. but I wondered if the picture beneath those words wasn't a man swimming with sharks but rather me. I almost laughed when I envisioned the article.."tribute to discomfort" and then a picture of me in my huge mariners jersey and tie-dye socks, sitting in an empty house, feet dangling off my bed, trying to figure out how the hell to get from now (8:30) to bedtime (AT LEAST 2 hours!) without completely crumbling...

Please tell me you've had those evenings when you literally have NOTHING to do? No one can hang out, nothing more needs to be done around the house, you  can't read another page...It got to the point where I'd do anything to be distracted;  15 games of solitaire, clean up my emails, text everyone in my contacts!!!  and then when I finally stopped and was still for half a second I realized how quiet it was (almost eerie). How alone I am. This is uncomfortable!!! and it's not the exciting uncomfortable where your adrenaline is pumping and you're scared but you're mostly more alive than ever! Its the uncomfortable that gnaws at your gut, that whispers mean things in your ear, that weighs you down like a backpack full of bricks.

It feels like a feat to get through 15 minute increments, to continue to press forward while still maintaining a sense of dignity and a sense of whats real. (It would be SOOO much easier to just call that guy and rekindle the flame. Just bein honest.)

So here's where I'm at:  if you're out climbin mountains, kayaking across large bodies of water, exploring new lands...power to ya! But if you're uncomfortable in the daily things; in the circumstances you've been placed in, in those 2 hours before bed that you don't know what to do with yourself...my heart goes out. My internal battle at home is as real as any roller coaster, flying lesson or dolphin swim...maybe even more so.

That is my tribute.

Prick Me, Poke Me...

It might not sound all that relaxing to any of you, but lately my most peaceful times occur as I lay in a dark room, my body riddled with needles.

I have gone to an acupuncturist for years now, some seasons more regularly than others. More often than not people will go for a specific complaint; pain, or sleep issues, allergies or digestive stuff. Not me, I just feel like my body needs a little extra TLC so I go for what they’ve deemed “general wellness.” It could totally be all mental but I swear this stuff works, I always feel 1000 times better, lighter, more energized when I leave.

The place I go is a teaching clinic, which I love, but it also means the students I’m placed with are usually only around for so long. So I’ve been going on and off for the past few months and then 2 weeks ago I was placed with a new student and man oh man…what a gem!

The particular day that I saw her was not my best, I immediately broke into tears…I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Her response: 

“do you need a hug?” 

(those that know me,  know that I absolutely took her up on the offer).

ANYWAYS…she’s been so in tune and in touch with me and how to best care for me that today as she finished poking me with needles and left the room for me to rest I lay there thinking about her (yes, creepy!) but I was thinking about how, like my last post, there are people that blend what they do with who they are...people who are just sooo good at their job that it somehow rubs off on you and ends up making your day. It got me thinking, what can I do?  what career, job, hobby can I get into where people go…”gosh, that woman loves her job!”  Or “I can’t imagine her doing anything else!”

Lately that has been one of the biggest weights I carry…what the hell do I do with my life?!? And I have been so frustrated that I can’t figure out, I have been out of college for 2 years and still can’t commit to anything!

Maybe I’m too naïve or too picky…maybe I’m not disciplined enough or lack a willingness to sacrifice, but I can’t let go of this idea that I should LOVE what I do and that the love will seep out as I do it!

Ya yay a, I get that even if I believe in what I do and love it, there will still probably be elements where it is mundane and boring; just the daily grind. But I SO wanna be this student (Heather is her name!) I want people to walk away from me and smile. 

It’s no small question…as Mary Oliver would challenge:

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

We get one…and yes, it is PRECIOUS. How do we (I) honor that? I guess that’s a question for my next needle sesh!

Dance With Me

Yesterday as I stood in line with some friends at full tilt, waiting for an ice cream cone when I realized something important.

There was a guy ahead of us that was dancing THE WHOLE time we were in line. It was some version of pop and lock, very precise movements that almost make it seem like an optical illusion and he seemed to be using his girlfriend standing in front of him as a prop. (She seemed to be un-phased, not sure if it was because this wasn’t abnormal activity for this man or if she just couldn’t see him).

Anyways, we stood there transfixed. We started talking about his talent and how good he was at what he does. But then it became clear, dancing is not what this man does, it is who he is. He dances in ice cream shops and waiting at bus stops, probably in grocery stores and in his room not because he’s practicing, but because dancing is breathing.

Similarly I thought back to the sermon I heard earlier that evening. “ God is in the business of restoration.” It was a phrase that had stuck with me. And as drawn as I was to it initially, witnessing this man dance made me re-think the statement. God is NOT in the business of restoration because then it seems to allude that restoration is something God does, a job he has, something he’s just really good at. No…restoration is God’s character, it is who he is.

In that moment where I stood in the overly crowded, muggy little roomed that smelled of fresh waffle cones, I felt so comforted. 

If you read my last blog you know my dating life isn’t going all too smoothly. My body aches from loneliness…yearns to be touched, but even more than physicality, it longs to be cared for. I cringe when I think of previous relationships  (especially this most recent one) how he might think of me, how I think of myself, what I could have done better. And then I cringe when I think of future relationships, possible heartache and probable mess ups.

But then the smell of sweet waffle cones flood my senses and I remember that I am being restored. Not because I asked to be but because by believing in God I also believe in the process of restoration. He is not restoring me as some act of kindness or obligatory job, He restores me because he can’t help it, it is simply who He is.

His dance is one of grace and hope and peace…and he dances everywhere he goes.

All My Single Ladies...

No one warned me about dating, its so hard!

FIRST of all…if you don’t meet the love of your life in college you seem to be sufficiently screwed. Your life gets to be more and more predictable which means you probably won’t run into your husband on campus or bump into each other at a party. And you can’t count on your friends to hook you up because they are married and only have married friends. So you get an online dating profile (which people say is totally acceptable, they may even pull out the “oh my friend met his wife online” comfort quote). But we all know it’s a blow to the ego.

SECOND, if you can get through all that bull shit and meet a semi-decent guy that doesn’t have pictures with stacks of cash or his happy trail then you have to actually date the guy. And even if the guy is AWESOME, first dates are awkward. Both parties are trying to put on their best while secretly wishing someone would just like them for them; sweat pants wearing, fartin old them. But that’s not how us humans do it, oh no, that’s far too simple. We like to complicate everything. So we meet at places we would never go ourselves, wear our best, eat hardly anything, laugh at everything and hope and pray none of our actual friends that know the real us show up.

Well recently I decided to try this whole thing out for myself. Found a guy online that didn’t have any selfies and quoted Dumb and Dumber (#winner!) so a conversation started…a pretty witty one if I do say so myself. Followed a couple days later by a date request. First date was fun, only had a few small awkward moments (mostly my fault because I was tipsy after half a cider!!!) Second date, third date, make out sesh, mariners game and before you know it you’re fallin for the guy. But when you start from scratch like that there is SO much to learn…you have to figure out where you stand while almost more importantly trying to figure out where the other persons at! When do you invite him to meet your parents? When do you let him touch your boobs? When do you talk about personal belief systems? And kids? And poop! Ahhh, it all gets so messy!!! 

And what if, like this guy, they are absolutely spectacular? They make you feel pretty? They give you butterflies and yet something in your gut says, not right now?!? 

That’s what happened to me. 'Cause here's the thing…even though this whole dating process is comical and sometimes seemingly pointless somehow God seems to be able to reveal himself through it. I have not been more exposed or vulnerable than I have this past month while dating mystery man. Every insecurity I previously held was multiplied by a hundred. Fears, anxieties, doubts, worries…it’s like I became the worst version of myself which sucks cause then this guy only gets psycho Kate. Every time we had a serious conversation to touch on conflict or what we wanted/needed I just wanted to scream “this isn’t me! I’m more fun and carefree than this.”

It made me think of a situation from high school. It was valentine’s day and my friend had been dating this girl for a while so he brought her a stuffed bear and a rose. Only the rose was made of wood. I have no idea where he got it but it was cool and even smelled like a rose. Later, in band I saw his girlfriend crying. I turned and asked my friend Cory what was goin on, he kinda chuckled…”shes mad it’s not a real rose” immediately after, he turns away and turns back to me, batting his eyelashes as if he has transformed into her and whines, “why didn’t you get me a real bear?!?”

It’s been funny how often this has come up with me and Cory and its always a great reminder that I don’t want to be that girl; not in touch with reality, not grounded by the bigger things in life. I don’t want to be the girl that expects the guy to read my mind…except sometimes when there’s a problem that’s not tangible or teachable, that’s kinda what you have to bank on!

So you do what you think is right, even if it’s the hard thing (the two are usually synonymous) and you think God might throw ya a bone or something but NO. Not only does life not get better, it gets harder! Like with this guy, was feeling unsure about a few aspects and it’s not fair to him to drag him along so we had to end it. I had to do what I thought was right (whether it was actually right I have no idea) but I was secretly hoping the heavens would open and God would shower me with gifts. But no…now I feel crappy and alone.

No one told me that being  an adult is like eating vegetables…the things that are best for you are the things you don’t actually want! (and the things you want, that you crave, that you find comfort in (slurpees, people pleasing, random make out sessions!) are usually the things you gotta steer clear from! In that sense I totally get why people just refuse to be responsible adults…its hard and often requires a ton of sacrifice. Similarly, I get why people don’t want to follow Jesus…it doesn’t seem all that appealing when it's turned into an equation.
loving Jesus=doing the hard thing +(plus) not getting rewarded for doing it (doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that equation doesn't got a whole lot goin for it!)

But I have to believe there is meaning and purpose in the journey, significance in obedience, reward in doing what it right and good (even when it doesn’t feel good).

But jeez, when does it get easier?

Back At It...

I’ve had this weird tension the last couple of months…do I keep my blog updated or not? There’s this weird little voice in my head telling me not to. I’ve told myself its Satan…but I think it’s actually ME (like the 5^th grade fat bully version that never transpired). Whoever/whatever it is, I hear this:  You’re not a real writer, you’re no longer on a journey, no one wants to hear your thoughts/you have nothing to say.

And yet in the cool quiet of morning, sitting in my favorite green recliner at the deck of our family beach place I hear another small voice...not so small.

‘You ARE a real writer, you ARE still on a journey and people DO wanna hear what you have to say.’

Yaaaa, I convince myself. I’m a writer if I say I’m a writer!  

Published or not, read or unread, I write…which makes me a writer! 

Words hold meaning, stories hold life. I AM a writer.

And yes, I’m still on a journey. It is not in an itinerary, it does not involve cross country travel plans or exploring foreign lands. And yet I’ve been reminded as I seek out adventure that it has a mind of its own.  It doesn’t sit around and wait to be found, it’ll pack a bag and come find ya itself. Adventure sneaks up on ya that way; you weren’t lookin for it, you may not even want it and yet there you find it, waitin on your front porch. I am growing, learning, struggling, moving, EVERYDAY, its life and it most certainly IS a journey.

And YES, people do want to hear what I have to say. Well, when I say people I’m actually thinking of a particular person. My uncle Gregg. EVERY TIME I see him he asks when I will be posting again and if I won’t be then can I just send him stories via e-mail. Not only am I absolutely flattered that someone likes my stories, but I’m spurred on and encouraged to keep at it. So screw it, even if my uncle is the only person who reads these words, heck, even if NO ONE reads these words, I have to believe they hold significance and weight even as they stand alone on a page.

The tension is over. I am a writer. I am on a journey. I have lots to say.