All My Single Ladies...

No one warned me about dating, its so hard!

FIRST of all…if you don’t meet the love of your life in college you seem to be sufficiently screwed. Your life gets to be more and more predictable which means you probably won’t run into your husband on campus or bump into each other at a party. And you can’t count on your friends to hook you up because they are married and only have married friends. So you get an online dating profile (which people say is totally acceptable, they may even pull out the “oh my friend met his wife online” comfort quote). But we all know it’s a blow to the ego.

SECOND, if you can get through all that bull shit and meet a semi-decent guy that doesn’t have pictures with stacks of cash or his happy trail then you have to actually date the guy. And even if the guy is AWESOME, first dates are awkward. Both parties are trying to put on their best while secretly wishing someone would just like them for them; sweat pants wearing, fartin old them. But that’s not how us humans do it, oh no, that’s far too simple. We like to complicate everything. So we meet at places we would never go ourselves, wear our best, eat hardly anything, laugh at everything and hope and pray none of our actual friends that know the real us show up.

Well recently I decided to try this whole thing out for myself. Found a guy online that didn’t have any selfies and quoted Dumb and Dumber (#winner!) so a conversation started…a pretty witty one if I do say so myself. Followed a couple days later by a date request. First date was fun, only had a few small awkward moments (mostly my fault because I was tipsy after half a cider!!!) Second date, third date, make out sesh, mariners game and before you know it you’re fallin for the guy. But when you start from scratch like that there is SO much to learn…you have to figure out where you stand while almost more importantly trying to figure out where the other persons at! When do you invite him to meet your parents? When do you let him touch your boobs? When do you talk about personal belief systems? And kids? And poop! Ahhh, it all gets so messy!!! 

And what if, like this guy, they are absolutely spectacular? They make you feel pretty? They give you butterflies and yet something in your gut says, not right now?!? 

That’s what happened to me. 'Cause here's the thing…even though this whole dating process is comical and sometimes seemingly pointless somehow God seems to be able to reveal himself through it. I have not been more exposed or vulnerable than I have this past month while dating mystery man. Every insecurity I previously held was multiplied by a hundred. Fears, anxieties, doubts, worries…it’s like I became the worst version of myself which sucks cause then this guy only gets psycho Kate. Every time we had a serious conversation to touch on conflict or what we wanted/needed I just wanted to scream “this isn’t me! I’m more fun and carefree than this.”

It made me think of a situation from high school. It was valentine’s day and my friend had been dating this girl for a while so he brought her a stuffed bear and a rose. Only the rose was made of wood. I have no idea where he got it but it was cool and even smelled like a rose. Later, in band I saw his girlfriend crying. I turned and asked my friend Cory what was goin on, he kinda chuckled…”shes mad it’s not a real rose” immediately after, he turns away and turns back to me, batting his eyelashes as if he has transformed into her and whines, “why didn’t you get me a real bear?!?”

It’s been funny how often this has come up with me and Cory and its always a great reminder that I don’t want to be that girl; not in touch with reality, not grounded by the bigger things in life. I don’t want to be the girl that expects the guy to read my mind…except sometimes when there’s a problem that’s not tangible or teachable, that’s kinda what you have to bank on!

So you do what you think is right, even if it’s the hard thing (the two are usually synonymous) and you think God might throw ya a bone or something but NO. Not only does life not get better, it gets harder! Like with this guy, was feeling unsure about a few aspects and it’s not fair to him to drag him along so we had to end it. I had to do what I thought was right (whether it was actually right I have no idea) but I was secretly hoping the heavens would open and God would shower me with gifts. But no…now I feel crappy and alone.

No one told me that being  an adult is like eating vegetables…the things that are best for you are the things you don’t actually want! (and the things you want, that you crave, that you find comfort in (slurpees, people pleasing, random make out sessions!) are usually the things you gotta steer clear from! In that sense I totally get why people just refuse to be responsible adults…its hard and often requires a ton of sacrifice. Similarly, I get why people don’t want to follow Jesus…it doesn’t seem all that appealing when it's turned into an equation.
loving Jesus=doing the hard thing +(plus) not getting rewarded for doing it (doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that equation doesn't got a whole lot goin for it!)

But I have to believe there is meaning and purpose in the journey, significance in obedience, reward in doing what it right and good (even when it doesn’t feel good).

But jeez, when does it get easier?