Will the Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up...

Does anyone follow Eminem these days?
For those that don't know he's a notorious rapper. Almost 15 years ago now he came out with his first album, 'The Eminem Show' and became a big name in the rap game, yes for his whitty lyrics and "I don't give a fuck" attitude but most obviously because he is white.
Part of me hates that his skin color is what he's known for because the dude is more talented than that. Do I love all his songs and agree with all his lyrics...no. But if you listen to his stuff you can't argue the intellect and talent that he posses. He didn't change the game simply because he was white...he changed the way rap evolved, what was being sad...and how it was being said.
Back in his day it was all about rap battles; 2 people get up on stage and freestyle raps about "your mommas so fat" this and "your so stupid" that.
But Eminem got on stage and beat everyone to the punch...before any opponent could dis him he would lay all his shit out on the table..."ya i'm white, ya i'm broke, ya i'm trailer trash" as if to say, and what does that say about you if you're up here with me? People were so drawn to his rawness and his vulnerability.
Now you're probably like, what the hell does Eminem have to do with anything in my life right now...I assure you I have not decided to start a rap career.
but I am on tinder, lol! (it's an online dating site...and its hilarious!)
Here's the connection: as I scroll through profiles I see pictures of guys with tigers and stacks of cash, pictures of abs, pictures traveling, flying planes, scuba diving, climbing mountains...and while its all super impressive there's a tiny part of me that wishes they'd all take a note from Eminem. Lead with your weakest foot forward, that's the real stuff. Go ahead, put on there that you often watch 8 hours of consecutive netflix, say you hate kids, have a picture in those ugly sweat pants you wear when you get back from work, or maybe your jobless right now...say that!
cause sooner or later we're gonna actually have to meet and i'm gonna find out real quick that tigers and convertibles and flying trapeze tricks aren't your normal everyday life....so beat me too it! If someone can like you at your worst, they're damn sure gonna like you at your best.
and I guess the more I thought about it I realized that this doesn't just apply to the dating world, it applies to all of us! Lets all take a second and think "WWED" what would Eminem do? (I don't mean that as blasphemy, I believe its probably more important to ask 'what jesus would do'...but you know where i'm goin with it!) be transparent, be raw, be real...that's how you win the battle!

Warmth...

You know you live in the PNW when there are random sun breaks and you stop whatever you're doing, face the sun and close your eyes! I see it everywhere, street corners, porches, friends on walks, jogging breaks...hilarious!

The other afternoon there was a sunbreak, but it was still 29 degrees mind you. so I put on socks, slippers, multiple shirts, a big puffy jacket a hat and a blanket and headed outside. The only place I could find sun was against a small portion of our fence which meant I had to sit on a  2 inch mossy ledge, feet on the picnic table below me, body contorted to make sure the suns rays directly hit my face! I sat there for 15 mins, eyes closed, face warm, until little by the little the sun slipped behind the clouds. I grabbed my belongings and headed inside, laughing at the thought of anyone witnessing me...desperate for the rays.

Suddenly my brain gave me a vivid, weirdly connected illustration (as it often does!) This desperate search for sun, this yearning for warmth...it's like Jesus. But how come I don't search for God like I chase after rays in Seattle? Yes, its frustrating...fleeting, fading, cold, contorted...but warm.

my new goal, search for the Son with as much desperation as I search for His rays.

The Unseen Stuff

Recently I heard that often God doesn't reveal his plan to us, read us the whole story, because if he did we wouldn't agree to follow it...here's why: because gods plan is freaking hard! so he unfolds things days at a time, in a sense tricking us, so that we continue! (I almost admire the system!)

and while there's a ton of hard stuff around the corner, things we can't see, here's the cool thing about us humans not being able to see the whole picture sometimes...sometimes, and it seems to happen more often than we  realize, the stuff we cant see is the cool stuff. The mysterious inner-workings of God. The "holy shit how'd that happen" type stuff.

It's going to sound minute and silly, but I was reminded of this last night at a halloween party! Lately I''ve felt like my life is a mess, like I'm broken and exhausted and not moving towards a goal. I second guess my roles; how can I possibly lead others if I'm not doing a very good job leading myself? But last night as I walked into the party and saw one of the girls in my core group, a bible study that I lead with Juniors in college, she exclaimed, "can you guess who I am? I'm you!" Sure enough she had dressed up in a particularly swaggy outfit. Leggings, timbalands, beanie, vest, lol...and to top it off she was puttin out the vibe (a move I pull out regularly).

Anyways, maybe she was dressed as me because my outfits are ridiculous and easily identified but I couldnt help but feel like "someone wants to be me."  Like I'm doing something right with this group!

So as I sit and criticize myself for not being a good enough leader, here's what I can't see; God using me! Despite my faults and flaws he connects me with people that will appreciate things about me. In my own goofy, spastic way I lead people, rub off on people, grow people. I don't say that to brag, I say it in complete amazement and shock, in complete gratitude and awww...if God can use me to love these girls, I know he's capable of so much more. Why do I doubt what I can't see? It's always that stuff that's the coolest.

Triangle Please...

I'm not really a math person (never have been) numbers don't do anything for me. But a recent conversation with a friend and mentor brought me back to my 10th grade geometry class. Let me explain...

If you've been reading my blog you may have picked up on the slight undertones of depression, isolation, confusion, chaos etc...basically I'm in a place in life where EVERYTHING seems to be an unknown. And while finances, relationships and personal life choices are hard enough to juggle, the hardest aspect of this new phase of life is simply figuring out who the fuck I am. Which you'd think by age 25 that would be hammered down a bit, but I'm finding the journey is just beginning.

I've enjoyed the big, as well as the small, steps. Like figuring out things as simple as my style! What do I like to wear; not whats in style or what that boy I like will like..but what's me? And then there's the tougher questions like: who's this God guy and how do I accept His grace?!?  Some of the stuff sounds silly but it all fits under the umbrella of  "who am I" and its all good stuff to look into!

I've realized the hard part lately is that I feel like I should be good (at least semi-decent) at most things. Us humans like to call it "being well-rounded." It's been a value of mine...an identifier I would want for myself and one I tend to look for in others! One of the phrases I grew up hearing from my dad was that he envisioned me lookin beautiful in a dress but also bein able to lace up and school my future husband on the court! My dad said nothing wrong, in fact the vision of that girl is who I've strived to be, it's an ideal I'm drawn to.

But as I sat and chatted with my mentor the other day she pointed something out to be that blew my mind, something I've never heard but now have the desire to go scream at the top of every mountain. What if we are NOT meant to be well rounded?!? What if we let our strengths stand out strong and bold, just as our weaknesses might? What if we're not supposed to be good at everything?

Now I get that "well rounded" doesn't mean you're a pro in every arena and I'm also not saying if you have known weaknesses don't address or work on them, but I'm also wondering how it'd feel to not have the pressure of feeling like we have to excel in every area (especially ones we're not passionate about or drawn to) and how we'd feel if we didn't carry shame or guilt for being "bad" at something.

I know my dad never meant to put pressure on me by saying that phrase (and I honestly never took it that way). I'm simply looking at it as an illustration of how that ideal can be easily put on people in todays' society (as well as us putting the pressure on ourselves) and how that might make us want to scream...We can't freaking do everything!!!

Anyways, I hardly ever payed attention so it's astounding I can recall anything from geometry, but this I remember. The strongest shape is the triangle..why? because of its base and foundation! I'm not a shape expert but I'm pretty sure triangles are not rounded in any form or fashion. They are strong and they are sturdy but they are edgy and jagged.

What if we let our strengths be our base...the things that make us sturdy, the things that make us unique! What if we stop trying to round ourselves out and be weak shapes that crumble when pressure is put on them?

Find your base, your strength (and by strength I don't mean 'what you're good at' as much as I mean 'what things make you feel strong'? HUGE difference!) Lean into those. Be a triangle. Be a rhombus. Heck, be a janky ass circle with jagged edges jetting out every which way. Just find an edge and put it out there for the world to see. You don't gotta be good at everything. I would argue you shouldn't.

Plenty Good Room...

I went to a friends birthday gathering the other night, an old friend but one that has recently started to re-blossum in new ways (pretty cool stuff!) Anways, his get-together was great but I knew no one else there besides his girlfriend! I started talking with the girl who sat next to me and was instantly intimidated...not only would I deem her prettier than myself but we shared a lot of the same passions. (especially things concerning race and racial reconciliation).

It's kinda felt like that's been "my" thing and if someone else wants it to be their thing it feels like an intrusion or like their taking it on means there's less for me to take on.(It's honestly just a pride issue!)

but then I was reminded of a meet with one of my own personal heroes...Brenda Salter-Mcneil. This woman, gosh...look her up, she's amazing! She marches to her own drum and yet asks for NO recognition in doing so. Anyways, we met for lunch not too far back so that I could pick he brain a bit and she said something that will stick with me forever...

Instead of her getting territorial over "her baby" (reconciliation work) and being intimidated by someone new tryin to weasle their way in like I am tempted to do..she welcomed me with open arms and said..."there is plenty good room." the funny thing about the kingdom and kingdom work is that there always is! It seems to be a sure fire way to tell if something is in fact holy and ordained...there will always be room for people who want to be there.

The worldy stuff, those are the places that you have to scratch and claw your way into, the places you have to push and shove and step on others to make it to the top, the places you have to prove yourself.
Nope, not in the kingdom. there is plenty good room. Come as you are. Bring all your friends. In the kingdom, adding another person who's talented and skilled and passionate to your team doesn't create competition, it creates success.

I felt so convicted after leaving that conversation. If I was really about racial reconciliation wouldn't I be all for it, even if it meant giving it up to someone else better suited or working alongside someone I may not have chosen for myself?  (even if their prettier or funnier or smarter than me).  If I was all about it wouldn't racial reconciliation beat my personal insecurity or personal preference any day?!?

Its not the way the world teaches us and it's not my natural default, but I'm convinced that Brenda is right and am working to respond in like fashion...if its kindgom work, there is ALWAYS plenty good room. come on in.

The Ex-Factor

Here's my most recent lesson learned...although to explain it I have to go back a ways...

In February, while I was on my trip (I believe I was in DC) I got a call from a friend (lets call him Tom). We had re-connected at a few events and it seemed like there might be some flirting happening. He called to affirm the suspicion and ask if I'd be interested on going on a date when I returned home.

It took me another month or so to get home from the East Coast but we texted and called intermittently through out that time, and within a few weeks of me bein back we set up a dinner date.
I walked into his house a little anxious, but mostly excited...I hadn't had any pursue me quite the way he did. We grabbed take-out and brought it to his house. As I took my first bite he said, "well there's kinda somethin I wanna talk to you about."

I had no idea what that might be but I remember thinking 'its a little too soon for an engagement,' lol.
but nope, I couldn't have been further off. He went on to explain that in the month that I was driving back, he had started to be interested in another girl. He was respectful about it; aware that he asked me out first and wanted to keep his word so he hadn't asked her out. He kept explaining where he was at but I wasn't really paying attention, all I could think was, "am I really being dumped on a first date? Is that even possible?!?"

I warned him that I was feeling like I might need to cry it out, which I proceeded to do, haha. He was totally great about it. I explained that I wasn't mad at him (life happens). I was simply exhausted. tired of getting my hopes up...tired of hoping.
but I wished him the best (and meant it) and left.

WELL here's what has turned out to be the hilarious part of the whole thing. The girl he was getting to know was I girl I knew. She however was only more of an acquaintance, I only saw her here and there or in passing. But within days of our little talk I found out she was on my brothers young life team and she was spending a lot of time with he and my sister-in-law. Which is fine but every time I went to an event to try and support my brother she was there. And then, as fate would have it, a couple weeks after that Tom ended up moving in with all my best guy friends, a house I'm at almost more than my own. So now not only do I see Tom regularly, but his girlfriend is over all the time with him. I seriously NEVER saw these two much before all this went down, and then after things went a little sideways now it seems like I can't escape em!

This seems to include church.
I went 2 weekends ago and wasn't surprised that I ended up sitting right next to them.
At first I was mad, "really God? I can't even have church to myself?"
but then as I stood and worshiped next to these two people, who I wasn't determined to hate, but who I just didn't really want anything to do with, I realized how different Gods plans are than mine. It wasn't even that cliche line that "gods plans are bigger or better" although I'm sure that's true. This moment simply illustrated to me how different Gods plans are. 

I continue to learn why I'm me and why Gods God. He is not concerned with drama or titles or keeping score, who dated who, who's been going to church longer. He doesn't care who I'm standing next to when I worship, he cares that I worship. Silly me to think that would matter, when I think about it now I just feel dumb! But it's been a great reminder.
"come on kate-what are the important things? the kingdom things? the heart things?"
seek those first.

And yet, He is Good...

After writing my last post, I was right, I got annoyed with myself.
Yes, I'm in a funk. No, it's not something I can talk myself out of...BUT I do have moments
where I can choose my attitude, where yes, I can be sad but where I can still remember and hold close to my heart ALL the ways God is good to me.
This picture keeps popping into my head as I sometimes choose to have a poopy attitude about life:
a couple weeks ago at church I sit in the front row with all my friends and as we get into a few worship songs I'm instantly annoyed by the person singing at the top of his lungs directly behind me. I turn around to get a glimpse of this off-key culprit and my eyes fall on a man, not much taller than me, his eyes closed, no arms, shouting praise with every ounce of his being.
Are you kidding me!?!?
I guarantee you this man is not ecstatic about his missing arms, I bet he's pissed...but he's praising Him nonetheless.
Am I allowed to be mad that I'm alone? That I have past hurts? That my body is broken? That my heart is tugged at from all corners of the world? YES...in fact it seems to be the appropriate response. In fact I'd be nervous for people who suffer great loss or hurt and dont feel angry or pissed...that say "It's ok, Gods gonna use this!" or "I know its in His plan!" Well yes, it probably is, but you're missing you're fucking arms! you're allowed to be furious!!!
Here's to the man at church that reminded me that I can do both simultaneously.
I can be in deep pain and sorrow and yet, maybe even because of those moments, be so aware of his beauty and grace.
I lift my arms for the man who can't...
God you are good.

Just Cant Fake It...

I haven’t been wanting to blog because I don’t have anything uplifting to write about and I get annoyed with myself at the thought of posting yet another blog about being lonely and lost in the world. But then I think back to a few weekends ago.

I was camping with students for our fall leadership retreat (where I learned that even though it’s a deep desire of mine, I am not a camping person). Anyways, us girls were sitting in an open field chatting when a mom and 3 kids walk by us. Just then she says, “Ok, lets see who’s the fastest! GO!” 2 of the children take off like rockets but the 3^rd  (who’s prob 4 years old) stays behind and says with the sweetest little raspy voice, “well I know I’m the tired-est!”

It made me laugh but then I thought….man, how honest! This kid doesn’t want to be included if it means being disingenuous, he doesn’t want to run when his body is telling him to walk, he doesn’t want to fake it when everything in him says ‘be real!'

He has been my picture and standard for vulnerability.

Around me I hear, “life’s great!” “I love my boyfriend!” “I’ve never felt a clearer call!”

If there’s a race goin on, everyone around me seems to be running...

But me: “well…I know I’m the tired-est!”

I can’t fake it. Life kinda sucks. When I get home from work I usually pour myself a bowl of cereal (gourmet and nutritious)  sit on my bed (because my apartment is not yet furnished) and fight back tears. Or I gather every ounce of strength I have to pursue community and friendship only to sit and watch hand holding and listen to talks of weddings and romantic dates! It kills me up because I absolutely love love and I want to be someone who advocates for it and who is about it but my current state makes me want to shoot happy couples in the face with a BB gun!

And as annoyed as I am with myself, and as much as I wish I could run…my body screams at me: “WALK! Don’t fake it!”

And as hard as that is, I’m encouraged by this idea of vulnerability, of being present where I'm at, of what the pastor I heard tonight calls 'pain stewardship': sharing and letting others into your deepest hurts… 

as I write I look up to see my favorite poster, which says:

“The Gospel According to Tacoma:

Let the good news go out that you don’t need to pretend your heart is not broken.

That you are not alone in your suffering.

You are not alone

You are not alone

You are not alone

Let everyone hear the good news and press into it.”

I will not pretend. Even in my lowest lows, even in my girliest insecurities, even through my most stubborn thoughts and despite Satan's cruelest lies…I am broken. I am hurting. I am weak. And yet…I am not alone.

I am not alone.

I am not alone.

I am not alone.

Tribute to Discomfort

"Tribute To Discomfort" those words popped off my facebook page more than any other thing on my newsfeed. It was an article that a friend had posted and under that title a picture of a man swimming in deep dark water...probably with sharks or something. I'll admit, I didn't actually read the article but I felt like I understood the direction it was going...the same thing counselors tell their patients, "step out of your comfort zone." The same thing media tells us..."try something new!" The same thing Asher Roth says in his song, "do somethin  crazy!" The same thing I've heard a lot in bible studies and listening to sermons, this idea of not getting complacent, of going into places and spaces that will be uncomfortable ('cause apparently thats when God shows up!)

And I'm not mad about this message...I think it's a pretty frickin good one. but I wondered if the picture beneath those words wasn't a man swimming with sharks but rather me. I almost laughed when I envisioned the article.."tribute to discomfort" and then a picture of me in my huge mariners jersey and tie-dye socks, sitting in an empty house, feet dangling off my bed, trying to figure out how the hell to get from now (8:30) to bedtime (AT LEAST 2 hours!) without completely crumbling...

Please tell me you've had those evenings when you literally have NOTHING to do? No one can hang out, nothing more needs to be done around the house, you  can't read another page...It got to the point where I'd do anything to be distracted;  15 games of solitaire, clean up my emails, text everyone in my contacts!!!  and then when I finally stopped and was still for half a second I realized how quiet it was (almost eerie). How alone I am. This is uncomfortable!!! and it's not the exciting uncomfortable where your adrenaline is pumping and you're scared but you're mostly more alive than ever! Its the uncomfortable that gnaws at your gut, that whispers mean things in your ear, that weighs you down like a backpack full of bricks.

It feels like a feat to get through 15 minute increments, to continue to press forward while still maintaining a sense of dignity and a sense of whats real. (It would be SOOO much easier to just call that guy and rekindle the flame. Just bein honest.)

So here's where I'm at:  if you're out climbin mountains, kayaking across large bodies of water, exploring new lands...power to ya! But if you're uncomfortable in the daily things; in the circumstances you've been placed in, in those 2 hours before bed that you don't know what to do with yourself...my heart goes out. My internal battle at home is as real as any roller coaster, flying lesson or dolphin swim...maybe even more so.

That is my tribute.

Prick Me, Poke Me...

It might not sound all that relaxing to any of you, but lately my most peaceful times occur as I lay in a dark room, my body riddled with needles.

I have gone to an acupuncturist for years now, some seasons more regularly than others. More often than not people will go for a specific complaint; pain, or sleep issues, allergies or digestive stuff. Not me, I just feel like my body needs a little extra TLC so I go for what they’ve deemed “general wellness.” It could totally be all mental but I swear this stuff works, I always feel 1000 times better, lighter, more energized when I leave.

The place I go is a teaching clinic, which I love, but it also means the students I’m placed with are usually only around for so long. So I’ve been going on and off for the past few months and then 2 weeks ago I was placed with a new student and man oh man…what a gem!

The particular day that I saw her was not my best, I immediately broke into tears…I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Her response: 

“do you need a hug?” 

(those that know me,  know that I absolutely took her up on the offer).

ANYWAYS…she’s been so in tune and in touch with me and how to best care for me that today as she finished poking me with needles and left the room for me to rest I lay there thinking about her (yes, creepy!) but I was thinking about how, like my last post, there are people that blend what they do with who they are...people who are just sooo good at their job that it somehow rubs off on you and ends up making your day. It got me thinking, what can I do?  what career, job, hobby can I get into where people go…”gosh, that woman loves her job!”  Or “I can’t imagine her doing anything else!”

Lately that has been one of the biggest weights I carry…what the hell do I do with my life?!? And I have been so frustrated that I can’t figure out, I have been out of college for 2 years and still can’t commit to anything!

Maybe I’m too naïve or too picky…maybe I’m not disciplined enough or lack a willingness to sacrifice, but I can’t let go of this idea that I should LOVE what I do and that the love will seep out as I do it!

Ya yay a, I get that even if I believe in what I do and love it, there will still probably be elements where it is mundane and boring; just the daily grind. But I SO wanna be this student (Heather is her name!) I want people to walk away from me and smile. 

It’s no small question…as Mary Oliver would challenge:

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

We get one…and yes, it is PRECIOUS. How do we (I) honor that? I guess that’s a question for my next needle sesh!

Dance With Me

Yesterday as I stood in line with some friends at full tilt, waiting for an ice cream cone when I realized something important.

There was a guy ahead of us that was dancing THE WHOLE time we were in line. It was some version of pop and lock, very precise movements that almost make it seem like an optical illusion and he seemed to be using his girlfriend standing in front of him as a prop. (She seemed to be un-phased, not sure if it was because this wasn’t abnormal activity for this man or if she just couldn’t see him).

Anyways, we stood there transfixed. We started talking about his talent and how good he was at what he does. But then it became clear, dancing is not what this man does, it is who he is. He dances in ice cream shops and waiting at bus stops, probably in grocery stores and in his room not because he’s practicing, but because dancing is breathing.

Similarly I thought back to the sermon I heard earlier that evening. “ God is in the business of restoration.” It was a phrase that had stuck with me. And as drawn as I was to it initially, witnessing this man dance made me re-think the statement. God is NOT in the business of restoration because then it seems to allude that restoration is something God does, a job he has, something he’s just really good at. No…restoration is God’s character, it is who he is.

In that moment where I stood in the overly crowded, muggy little roomed that smelled of fresh waffle cones, I felt so comforted. 

If you read my last blog you know my dating life isn’t going all too smoothly. My body aches from loneliness…yearns to be touched, but even more than physicality, it longs to be cared for. I cringe when I think of previous relationships  (especially this most recent one) how he might think of me, how I think of myself, what I could have done better. And then I cringe when I think of future relationships, possible heartache and probable mess ups.

But then the smell of sweet waffle cones flood my senses and I remember that I am being restored. Not because I asked to be but because by believing in God I also believe in the process of restoration. He is not restoring me as some act of kindness or obligatory job, He restores me because he can’t help it, it is simply who He is.

His dance is one of grace and hope and peace…and he dances everywhere he goes.

All My Single Ladies...

No one warned me about dating, its so hard!

FIRST of all…if you don’t meet the love of your life in college you seem to be sufficiently screwed. Your life gets to be more and more predictable which means you probably won’t run into your husband on campus or bump into each other at a party. And you can’t count on your friends to hook you up because they are married and only have married friends. So you get an online dating profile (which people say is totally acceptable, they may even pull out the “oh my friend met his wife online” comfort quote). But we all know it’s a blow to the ego.

SECOND, if you can get through all that bull shit and meet a semi-decent guy that doesn’t have pictures with stacks of cash or his happy trail then you have to actually date the guy. And even if the guy is AWESOME, first dates are awkward. Both parties are trying to put on their best while secretly wishing someone would just like them for them; sweat pants wearing, fartin old them. But that’s not how us humans do it, oh no, that’s far too simple. We like to complicate everything. So we meet at places we would never go ourselves, wear our best, eat hardly anything, laugh at everything and hope and pray none of our actual friends that know the real us show up.

Well recently I decided to try this whole thing out for myself. Found a guy online that didn’t have any selfies and quoted Dumb and Dumber (#winner!) so a conversation started…a pretty witty one if I do say so myself. Followed a couple days later by a date request. First date was fun, only had a few small awkward moments (mostly my fault because I was tipsy after half a cider!!!) Second date, third date, make out sesh, mariners game and before you know it you’re fallin for the guy. But when you start from scratch like that there is SO much to learn…you have to figure out where you stand while almost more importantly trying to figure out where the other persons at! When do you invite him to meet your parents? When do you let him touch your boobs? When do you talk about personal belief systems? And kids? And poop! Ahhh, it all gets so messy!!! 

And what if, like this guy, they are absolutely spectacular? They make you feel pretty? They give you butterflies and yet something in your gut says, not right now?!? 

That’s what happened to me. 'Cause here's the thing…even though this whole dating process is comical and sometimes seemingly pointless somehow God seems to be able to reveal himself through it. I have not been more exposed or vulnerable than I have this past month while dating mystery man. Every insecurity I previously held was multiplied by a hundred. Fears, anxieties, doubts, worries…it’s like I became the worst version of myself which sucks cause then this guy only gets psycho Kate. Every time we had a serious conversation to touch on conflict or what we wanted/needed I just wanted to scream “this isn’t me! I’m more fun and carefree than this.”

It made me think of a situation from high school. It was valentine’s day and my friend had been dating this girl for a while so he brought her a stuffed bear and a rose. Only the rose was made of wood. I have no idea where he got it but it was cool and even smelled like a rose. Later, in band I saw his girlfriend crying. I turned and asked my friend Cory what was goin on, he kinda chuckled…”shes mad it’s not a real rose” immediately after, he turns away and turns back to me, batting his eyelashes as if he has transformed into her and whines, “why didn’t you get me a real bear?!?”

It’s been funny how often this has come up with me and Cory and its always a great reminder that I don’t want to be that girl; not in touch with reality, not grounded by the bigger things in life. I don’t want to be the girl that expects the guy to read my mind…except sometimes when there’s a problem that’s not tangible or teachable, that’s kinda what you have to bank on!

So you do what you think is right, even if it’s the hard thing (the two are usually synonymous) and you think God might throw ya a bone or something but NO. Not only does life not get better, it gets harder! Like with this guy, was feeling unsure about a few aspects and it’s not fair to him to drag him along so we had to end it. I had to do what I thought was right (whether it was actually right I have no idea) but I was secretly hoping the heavens would open and God would shower me with gifts. But no…now I feel crappy and alone.

No one told me that being  an adult is like eating vegetables…the things that are best for you are the things you don’t actually want! (and the things you want, that you crave, that you find comfort in (slurpees, people pleasing, random make out sessions!) are usually the things you gotta steer clear from! In that sense I totally get why people just refuse to be responsible adults…its hard and often requires a ton of sacrifice. Similarly, I get why people don’t want to follow Jesus…it doesn’t seem all that appealing when it's turned into an equation.
loving Jesus=doing the hard thing +(plus) not getting rewarded for doing it (doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that equation doesn't got a whole lot goin for it!)

But I have to believe there is meaning and purpose in the journey, significance in obedience, reward in doing what it right and good (even when it doesn’t feel good).

But jeez, when does it get easier?

Back At It...

I’ve had this weird tension the last couple of months…do I keep my blog updated or not? There’s this weird little voice in my head telling me not to. I’ve told myself its Satan…but I think it’s actually ME (like the 5^th grade fat bully version that never transpired). Whoever/whatever it is, I hear this:  You’re not a real writer, you’re no longer on a journey, no one wants to hear your thoughts/you have nothing to say.

And yet in the cool quiet of morning, sitting in my favorite green recliner at the deck of our family beach place I hear another small voice...not so small.

‘You ARE a real writer, you ARE still on a journey and people DO wanna hear what you have to say.’

Yaaaa, I convince myself. I’m a writer if I say I’m a writer!  

Published or not, read or unread, I write…which makes me a writer! 

Words hold meaning, stories hold life. I AM a writer.

And yes, I’m still on a journey. It is not in an itinerary, it does not involve cross country travel plans or exploring foreign lands. And yet I’ve been reminded as I seek out adventure that it has a mind of its own.  It doesn’t sit around and wait to be found, it’ll pack a bag and come find ya itself. Adventure sneaks up on ya that way; you weren’t lookin for it, you may not even want it and yet there you find it, waitin on your front porch. I am growing, learning, struggling, moving, EVERYDAY, its life and it most certainly IS a journey.

And YES, people do want to hear what I have to say. Well, when I say people I’m actually thinking of a particular person. My uncle Gregg. EVERY TIME I see him he asks when I will be posting again and if I won’t be then can I just send him stories via e-mail. Not only am I absolutely flattered that someone likes my stories, but I’m spurred on and encouraged to keep at it. So screw it, even if my uncle is the only person who reads these words, heck, even if NO ONE reads these words, I have to believe they hold significance and weight even as they stand alone on a page.

The tension is over. I am a writer. I am on a journey. I have lots to say.